January 28, 2011
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January 2012
To describe my feelings on that day is nearly impossible. I was so confused by what was happening to me and what all of the doctors were telling me and not telling me. I was angry at my body for failing me yet again. I was angry at God for taking away the one thing I've wanted and waited for my entire life. I was grieving the baby I would never get to know because, at this point, I knew he was going to die. I was hurting terribly for Jake that he would never even get to see his son alive. I was also hurting for Jake to have to deal with this all alone in a place that offers no sympathy. I was feeling completely overwhelmed with all of these emotions, all of the information I was getting, and I wasn't able to process it all completely because of the magnesium sulphate they had me on to stop me from having a seizure. I felt bad for my Mom who had to hold my hand the entire day and help me through this while trying to stay positive herself. I felt dread at having to tell everyone that was so excited for me to be a mom that I now had a funeral to plan. But most of all, I was just plain scared. I didn't want to die. I didn't want my baby to die. I didn't want Jake to be gone and have to process this by himself. I didn't want to be without Jake and have to process it by myself. I wanted to hold my baby in my arms. I wanted him to look at me and smile. I wanted him to want nothing but to be held by me. I wanted to see his eyes light up with love whenever he would see me.
Little did I know, I would get everything I wanted, and so much more!
He will never be able to comprehend how much he was wanted, how many prayers and tears were shed just getting him here, how many people cared and prayed and fasted for him because they didn't know how else to help, and how much he is eternally loved, but that's okay. He has his entire life to figure it out! We love you Jaden! Thanks for fighting!
6 comments:
Mari, this post made me cry! I love your blog! Jaden has come so far in the last year--what a little fighter! Happy Birthday to Jaden!
Happy Birthday Jaden!! We love you and are so glad you are a part of the family!!
Wow. Love you so much it hurts! So thankful all is well!
Happy birthday little man!
An amazing journey of your miracle. Happy Birthday Jaden!
I remember having some of those same feelings, but probably on a different level. I remember praying and crying hard in my closet the minute I heard. I'm so grateful our prayers were answered and we are blessed with such a sweet boy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Mari! This is such a beautiful post! You are a family of fighters fighting for happiness and joy in this world full of so many sorrows. The Lord continues to abundantly bless you!
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