One of the things that you learn as a small child is how to share with others. For the most part, I am pretty good at sharing. I like sharing because it makes me feel good and I like to help others. But there is one aspect of my life that I do NOT like sharing, and that is my son. Sure, I will share his story and his pictures, but when it comes to holding him and playing with him, I have a really hard time letting others in.
As many of you know, I have waited my entire life to be a mother, but more specifically, I have waited, yearned for, prayed for, and cried for want of a baby in the last 4 years. At one point, the doctors told me I absolutely could not try for children for a few years until my health was cleared. That was one of the darkest days in my life. So I think it's understandable that I have such a hard time putting Jaden down.
But it's been a tug-of-war between Jake and I. When Jake comes home, I understand that he needs to have his time with Jaden too since I am with him all day. But I have such a hard time giving him up. We have to set a schedule for who gets to change the diaper, who gets to give him his bath, who gets to take him out when he gets fussy during church, who gets to take him to class at church, who gets to sit next to him in the car, who gets to push his stroller, and who gets to play with him and do tummy time with him.
There is a reason that Jaden doesn't nap in his bed during the day but in my arms instead. It's about 25% that he doesn't sleep as long in his bed and 75% that I can't bear to put him down. I just love holding him and marveling over his perfection. Jaden sleeps about 12 hours at night now (you put him down at 8pm and you don't usually hear him again until 8-8:30am) but occasionally he has his 5am "you get to come in and love me! Aren't you lucky!?!" wake up call. I really don't mind those. He isn't really hungry. All he wants is a pacifier, being cuddled, rocked, and an occasional bum pat. It is a time where it is just him and me and there are no other distractions and I can just stare at him, marvel at him, and kiss him.
It is easy to be selfish with him when you live hundreds of miles from anyone you know and you are home all day with him, but I am really going to struggle when we go back to Utah in 2 weeks for a visit. There will be other people that will want to hold him and love him and that's fine. But I am worried because I won't get my exclusive one-on-one time with my miracle. So if I let you hold him and then after a little while I yank him from your arms with no explanation, now you know why.
2 comments:
You have EVERY RIGHT to hold him as much as you want! :) Enjoy it as much as you can now because there will come a day when he won't want to be held anymore.
I remember when Kallie was tiny, my mom was holding her and I said, "Mom, I want my baby." She said, "No, I'm fine..." And I said, "Mom, I want my baby." Again, she declined. So, I said, "GIVE ME MY BABY!" She handed her over. There is just something wonderful about holding and cuddling our little ones!
I think it's all just lovely, and I get it. I felt the same way,and it gets worse with each one-I just want to hold on tighter because it goes so fast.
Having said that, however, I want to make myself perfectly clear when I say that I have waited a looooonnnnggg time to love on that cutie-bug, and when you get here, you'd better hand him over!
Fortunately, I have one for myself--I'm holding her now, and have been while she has slept in my arms for the last two hours--so I'll give you back yours when you need him.
Motherhood is irrational sometimes... I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow, but I just need to hold her when it's quiet. It's 1 am--I'm going to bed now!
p.s. Try to share with Jake. Maybe strike a deal--you get Jaden the 1st year, Jake can have him the second!
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